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You're listening to Episode 21 of the fat fuelled female podcast.
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Welcome to the fat fuelled female podcast. I'm your host Marja Chow, a holistic nutritionist, personal trainer and proud dog mama of two. I am obsessed with helping women achieve their goals, feel confident in their skin and become empowered health advocates. This podcast is designed to help ambitious women thrive on a low carb, high fat lifestyle. So tune in each week as we talk all aspects of nutrition, improving your fitness, enhancing your mindset, so that you can take inspired action, and live your best life all starting from the inside out. I'm so happy to have you here.Now let's get started.
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Hello, and welcome back to the fat fuelled female podcast. In today's episode, I'm going to share my personal story, how a ketogenic lifestyle really allowed me to overcome my lifelong battle with food and negative body image. And I think it's really important for me personally, to be open about this experience and my journey with my issues and struggles along the way.
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Because I felt a lot of shame about this most of my adult life. And I know many women, when it comes to our bodies and dieting, women can often feel so much shame and so much insecurity. And if you've been on the roller coaster ride of dieting and negative body image, I find a lot of women keep it internally within themselves. It's like we secretly struggle. And many women just go through this, quote unquote, battle alone.
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And why I do what I do, and why I have such a strong passion for coaching women, is I have been through the trenches. And I understand the pain and really low self esteem that diet culture imposes on women.
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And if you have been, if you have been able to say you've been really good with your nutrition from Monday to Friday, but when the weekend rolls around, you overindulge. you overeat, or you binge eat, or you've been successful at losing weight by dieting, but you've not been successful at keeping that weight off longer than a year.
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Or say you have been able to stick with nutrition programs. But you can't seem to stick with them. Say at the beginning, you're like really motivated, you're like, Yes, this is it. And then but you can't stick with it longer than three months due to like super low calories, and having really low energy. And maybe you have felt a lot of shame. And you have felt defeated, since maybe you're recognizing, and this is what I recognized, it took me a long time to recognize this. But of having a pattern of starting and stopping and jumping from different diets, different diets. So if anything I just mentioned sounds like you or you can resonate with any of that, then this episode is for you. Because I have gone through it all.
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As you will understand as I go more into detail with my personal story. I struggled with all of this plus more for so many years. And again, that's why I love what I do. I love coaching women, how to improve their health, their body, their mind, by you know rebalancing systems and understanding how the human body works and how it's all connected.
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And how weight loss really is a byproduct of having a better health and reducing inflammation and understanding how your metabolism actually works. Because I know what it feels like for food to have way too much control over your life.
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So let's get into it. So let's rewind the clock back to when I was around age 13. That's when my disordered eating eating disorders and I had both and I'm going to explain the difference between them. But that's when food really became such a pivotal and calories a pivotal part of my life.
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And that's when I started the being overly obsessed with it. And that's when I started going the gym. I under ate I overtrained and I would actually use exercise as a way to burn the calories off if I eat too much.
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And I just wanted to be skinny, skinny, skinny skinny. That was my main goal. And I thought that in order to be skinny, I just had to starve myself. And I remember when I was I think I was four 14 or 15 I was lying in my bed going to bed and I was like yes, Marja, you only ate a pair today. Good job.
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And I was so proud of myself. And like, YAH, you have so much control over yourself and your discipline not to eat, you are strong enough not to eat. And I was really proud of myself.
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And that's so F'd up to think about now. But I also I played a lot of sports growing up. So I remember I went to soccer practice one day, and I did this with a girlfriend, and I would take a black sharpie, and I would draw lines, like down my legs down my tummy on my arms, of how skinny I want it to be.
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And girls on my soccer team were like, what are those like black lines, and I was like, yeah, that's just how skinny I want to be. That's how skinny I'm going to get, like no big deal. It was just like normal for me.
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So food would control my mood all the time. If I ate good and followed my diet, I would feel on top of the world example, you only eating that pair. But if I slipped up, I was worthless, I would spiral I was a failure.
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And I would get super depressed. I was really either living in the past being upset with what I ate, or focusing on the future. Like in seven days, I'll be skinny again, that I wasn't really living in the now I was always thinking about what to eat or what I ate.
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And I was if food really consumed my mind. And I would aim to have a Diet Coke all day. I'm like, Hey, all you can have is a Diet Coke. And then at dinner, you can have a salad. So I could do that for a couple of days.
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But I couldn't sustain that. Especially because I grew up playing so many sports, soccer, field hockey, gymnastics, track and field all of it. So what I would do is I would eat like I would starve myself, and then I would binge eat, and then I would purge.
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And I wasn't really good at throwing out my food. It was really hard for me. So but that was kind of my cycle, I would starve myself. And then I would get so hungry, I would eat everything.
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And when you binge eat it really it's a dissociation. It's really an out of out of body experience. Because the amount of food that you can eat in that city, like if you are conscious and aware, nobody could actually eat that much food, right. So that was kind of my pattern. All throughout high school.
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And a lot of people didn't realize it. They just thought, oh, Marja, she's really into fitness. Oh, she's really dedicated to sports. But I had this underlying like, huge problem that I really didn't let anybody know about.
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So I don't remember how the cycle of me exactly how I stopped starving myself and binging. I think part of the reason was because I just wasn't good at throwing up my food.
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But I think how I actually kind of got over that is I started, you know, weight training more intensely.
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And I realized, Hey, I wanted to sculpt my body after you know, this is around like 1718 when I'm like, okay, I don't want to just be skinny, I want to have a bit more like curves. And I want to have definition.
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So I realized I needed food to have definition and get through my workout. So I think I stopped that cycle just in time, around age 16, age 17. But I still had disordered eating, being very particular with the food I ate always low fat, everything was low fat, very hyper aware of what I put into my mouth and what I put into my body.
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So yes, there is a difference between eating disorders and disordered eating. So I have had both. So eating disorders are anorexia, where you just like do not eat you starve yourself. Bulimia is where you like binge and purge you eat. In my case, you eat the world, and then you try to throw it up.
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And then there's also orthorexia. And orthorexia is being only eating really healthy foods and being like hyper focused on eating like, really healthy foods. So I've been all three of those.
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So I actually wasn't anorexic. My mistake. I wasn't anorexic. I tried to be but I wasn't. So I had that pattern of like starving myself. And I maybe could go like a day or two, but then I would binge and purge. So yeah, so disordered eating.
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So although I was able to get over the eating disorder, I still had disordered eating through pretty much all of my teenage years into my early 20s.
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And so disordered eating is like really extreme calorie counting and like, knowing all the numbers like calculating all the numbers in your head, for me, it was avoiding all high fat foods due to you know, more calories.
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I would eat like packaged foods because I would be able to like control. I knew exactly how many times calories like I would eat like granola bars, because I knew they were like 150 calories.
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It's really being like overly obsessive about like, really, for me, and this is my own personal experience about calories. And then, you know, using exercise as a form to burn through those calories if you ate too much.
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And also, with disordered eating, what I would do is I would say I was doing a cleanse, or I was like, Oh, well, I'm doing some form of fasting. And it's like, you're just using those like healthy modalities, like doing a cleanse or fasting as a way as like a blanket as kind of a cover up.
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You know, I'd be like, Oh, I'm just doing a cleanse. And it's like you're just like, not eating very much food and taking all these herbs because you want to lose weight, or I'm fasting in a sense of I'm fasting.
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But really, it was like starving myself, right. So I feel like there's a fine line with a lot of these things and disordered eating I feel like it goes hand in hand if you've had a and again, I'm only speaking from my own personal experience. But if you've had an eating disorder, I feel like and if you overcome that, the next thing is you kind of still have sprinkles of disordered eating unless you actually really work through that.
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So orthorexia. I had orthorexia when I was studying to be a holistic nutritionist. So I learned how food is medicine and like how you can you know, support so many systems in the body and organs in the body, just buy food. And I was like, wow, this is so cool.
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So I have a very, I have a very obsessive personality, which is a double edged sword, because I'm very motivated, I'm very driven, but I can go over the top with things. So I went over the top with this.
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And I became hypersensitive with not eating anything that came in a package except protein powder. So I made everything from scratch, whether it was my salad dressings, which I still think is a good thing to do.
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But it was like everything I made was not in a package. It was like just vegetables and meats. And I would eat a lot of grains back then. And I would soak all my grains and they had to be organic. And I just really honed in on food quality, which I think is a good thing. But it went too far.
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So I did my nutrition school in around, I think it was 2012 or 2011. And then in 2014 I'm like, Hey, let's do some bodybuilding competitions. Because you bodybuilder or you exercise all the freaking time let's kind of work towards and I'm such a goal setter, let's work towards something you want to achieve.
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I always say if you don't map it out and put it on your calendar someday, one day never comes. So I'm all about setting goals, whether it's monthly goals, every quarterly yearly goals. I'm a big proponent in goal setting, right?
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So I was like, let's enter some bodybuilding competitions. So what happened the long short of it is by doing that, I triggered all of my eating stuff to come back. I didn't go back to like binging and purging. Sorry, I didn't go back to purging, but it caused me to start binge eating again.
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So I've been all ends of the spectrum. So from a young age, it was like calorie counting disordered eating, then it went into binging and purging. And then I kind of got over that on my own. Again, people have asked me like, oh, did you go to therapists and it's like, I just went to school and I became more educated about nutrition. And I started implementing that when I was in college.
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And then when I was a personal trainer and I became a personal trainer, I started learning how to properly train and how to properly eat and supplements and all the things so that's kind of what got me out of my own disordered ways of eating and then I thought I was like fully recovered and then I went to nutrition school and then I became Orthorexic.
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So and then after that, I went into bodybuilding. And then it was like kind of, I got back to calorie counting because you have to be really specific with your nutrition and your macros.
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And then I wasn't caring about like I still cared about food quality, but I was having more packaged stuff. And then after that, after bodybuilding ended, that is when binge eating came back. S
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o you know, all of this was so much of my life so so so so much of my life, and I have literally tried every fad diet to only crash and burn, feeling alone ashamed, and riddled with anxiety. And I struggled really, really hard from 2014 When I started bodybuilding to 2016 with binge eating with low Self Esteem with low self worth.
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And I was working as a full time personal trainer and maybe people don't realize because I did like five fitness competitions in one year like a crazy ass. And fitness competitions is a completely vanity sport, right?
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So you get judged on the way you look and your stage presence, stage presence, all of that. But I would have clients and people that gym be like, Oh, you look leaner right now, or you look more jacked up right now or you're thicker right now.
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And every time from 2014 to 2016, someone would comment on my body. It was so hard, it was a jab to my heart every time. And I would just have to brush it off and pretend and affect me. But I was so messed up with my head in my head with dieting, and body image and body dysmorphia. Like, I was a whole nother level that you know, every comment would really crushed my spirit.
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And for so many years, I had my struggle with food. I really honestly thought I you know, and fitness and health and nutrition has been my identity since I was 13. I've always been active. I've always been into sports, I've always been into competition.
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So I thought I couldn't really have this problem with food or body image. So like I knew I had it, but I kind of just pretended it wasn't a thing. Because I would have really high highs. Like when I was like on par with my diet when I was like consistent when I wasn't binge eating, when I wasn't falling, quote unquote, off the diet. I was good. But when I fell off, I was not good. I was so depressed.
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And I would just feel so down like to the point where after I'd been Jade, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone for like two or three days. And that is if you know me, that is not my personality. I'm like a social butterfly. So that's how much it affected me. And the thing is, I have a science background.
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So like, I was not even though I was like coaching people, I was not practicing what I preached, I wasn't doing what I was mapping out clients to do, I still was struggling really hard with my own internal issues. I you know, I wasn't applying what I was mapping off people to do when I was completely out of alignment, and trying to be, quote unquote, perfect. You know, perfectionism is a complete, it's subjective, and it's never going to be perfect. Perfectionism doesn't actually exist. So trying to be perfect, actually caused me to break.
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And I was sick and tired of jumping from diet to diet and having mood swings and depression and not feeling like myself that in 2000, you know, the summer of 2016 I dabbled into a ketogenic diet. I'm like, You know what, I've tried everything else. Let's just try this and see what happens.
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So I began my ketogenic journey with all these restrictions and rules, because that's what I was used to doing. And full disclosure like, it took me six months to actually figure out my unique version of keto. But for the first two months, I felt really good running off of fat. I'm like, What the heck, I'm not craving sugar, I don't have energy highs and lows. I don't wake up starving. And I was like, I have found the magic solution, I have found the answer.
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And that's actually what I truly felt. But having, you know, this past history of dieting, and all these, all this like disordered way of eating and living for so many years, I implemented that into keto. And so I finally took a step back after six months, and I'm like, you can't continue living your life this way. There are so much more things to spread and learn and devote your time to then being obsessed with the way you look and with the food you're putting into your body.
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And so after six months, I just was like, You know what, I'm just going to toy around and do what feels good with my body and become more connected with my body and listen to my body and trust my body. Because I did not trust my body for so many years. Because my hunger hormones, the signals, everything was so dysregulated because I was always telling myself not to eat, not to eat, not to eat. And for the first time in my life, I'm like, wait, I'm actually not hungry. I actually am forgetting to eat. And you know, with all the time and research I spent learning about ketosis and the ketogenic diet all on my own. I knew just by the way I felt and how my brain felt lit up, and how I wasn't thinking about food all the time. I wasn't and I was always thinking about food all the time.
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When I was personal training, I'd be like, okay, every two hours every three hours when I'm My eating right. So it was the first time in my adult life or my really my entire life that I didn't feel like I was on a diet and I actually created a lifestyle that works for me. And after I'd found keto, I really had to go to work within myself. And what I mean by that is like, yes, keto, a Keto lifestyle and running off fat, balance, so many systems in my body, my blood sugar, my hunger hormones, all of it. Kido was the vehicle that truly got me to stop dieting, because I didn't feel like I was starving, I didn't feel like I was deprived, I didn't feel like I was on another freakin diet, I didn't have these intense cravings and have these roller coaster of emotions.
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I actually, for the first time in my life, figured out how to make this a lifestyle that worked for no one other than myself. And I finally felt peace in my life, and peace of my body. But in order for me to, you know, stick with this, and realize, okay, this is this is balancing your body, this is supporting your brain, I had to look deep inside myself. And this was the hard shit.
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And examine my history of dieting, and why I never ever felt good enough, I never felt good enough, because I was always trying to change my exterior. And once and I worked with coaches and mentors to do this, I didn't do this all alone. Once I was able to look at a lot of limiting beliefs I had, and really reframe what those beliefs man or really like poke holes in those beliefs and create more empowering beliefs. I was able to really make lasting change and figure out why I was always self sabotaging. And to this day, I still examine my limiting beliefs all the time, okay. And I still question my beliefs all the time.
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And there's, that's a lot of what we do what I teach in the fat fueled female method, examining your belief system, because your limiting beliefs are not going to be like anyone else's, they're going to be specific to you, your upbringing, your environment. And some of those limiting beliefs can start, as you know, start as young as like three years old, four years old, five years old. And we may not even be aware of it, right. So when it comes down to health, you know, a lot of the times we were like, once I find this diet that works for me, then I'm done.
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And it's like, health, there is no finish line, I always say this to my client, there is no finish line ever, you are always going to and as I said at the beginning of this episode, I'm such a goal setter. And I find that so important to actually write down your goals and map them out.
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Because it gives you something to work towards. Because we're always no matter where you are in your journey, you're always going to have weaknesses you want to improve on, you're always going to have new goals and new desires you want to reach, you're always going to be growing and evolving and expanding. And it's not like once you just hit this one goal, you're like, yeah, hey, I'm done.
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And that's how I used to think I'm like, oh, as soon as I lose this weight, then I'm done. And it's like, now my mindset is like, I'm always like a sponge, always wanting to learn more always want to wanting to be more always wanting to show up better in this world.
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And, you know, limiting beliefs, the limiting beliefs about myself, and the stories and the narratives, I would continue to tell myself without even realizing them without even realizing them.
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They were just automations programmed in my subconscious mindset, since such a young little girl prevented me from real happiness and being content with who I am and actually loving myself and loving.
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I'm actually, you know, there's days where it's not rainbows and unicorns and butterflies, but I would say 90 to 95% of the time, I actually do love myself. And I actually am very optimistic and have a lot of gratitude on the day to day and have that before I was always looking for the next best thing.
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And all of my goals were all external goals, how I looked how much I could squat, and those are important too. But it was all based on vanity metrics. And that version of me is just a shell of who I am today.
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So when I work with clients, you know yes, it's about food. Food is medicine. Medicine is food, food gives you energy food is lifeforce. Food can change your biology it can you know, prevent multiple diseases and really extend the quality of your life.
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A core pillar really in the fat fuelled female method is understanding what events in your life have led you to your current health status? How you view yourself how you talk to yourself, how you view food, how you view, vnutrition, and what limiting beliefs, or stories do you tell yourself that are inhibiting you from reaching success, and ultimately creating the best version of you.
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And you may honestly not even know this, but you may be, or you may know it, you may be the only roadblock standing in your way. And I was a roadblock standing in my own way for so many years.
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And I'm so grateful and blessed. I stumbled across the ketogenic diet legit as a last resort. I did it as the last as a last resort, because I had done everything else.
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And I had been terrified of eating fat for so many years. And I started my ketogenic journey at the right timing. I think everything happens in divine timing, the universe gives you what you are able to handle at the right timing.
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And it brought me to where I am today. And I'm so grateful for that. And, you know, just to finish off this episode, remember every single person, no matter where you are, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are, how young you are, struggles with making change.
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And when I first heard about keto, I would say like, I think it was like 10 plus years ago, I laughed at it. I'm like, okay, no carbs. Yeah, good one. Those are my thoughts like, this is a fad diet, you need carbs for energy, you need carbs to be able to perform at the gym. I'm like, This is not healthy. This is garbage.
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And that was what I thought about keto. And people are so quick to judge and form opinions. Hello, guilty, that was me.
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But what I want to offer you is until you go until you actually go through something yourself, until you actually go through ketosis or this could be anything in your life, right?
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Anything in your life, let's do our best to not form such harsh opinions until you actually go through it yourself.
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And one of my favorite quotes from Brene. Brown is, if you're not in that arena, also getting your ass kicked. I'm not interested in your feedback, right?
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So many people will associate you know, it's part of our ego, more fear with making change to protect ourselves. So we will cling to what is familiar in our lives, even if it's not supporting us, and it's actually harming us.
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And a beautiful question. I always will ask myself, if I'm having this internal dialogue in my head about anything really? Are you making this decision based on fear? Or possibility?
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And that's a beautiful question to check in with yourself for a little decision or a big decision. Are you making this decision based on fear or possibility?
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So that's everything. That's the cliffnotes of my story. And how a ketogenic lifestyle truly allowed me to overcome my lifelong battle with food and negative body image.
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And I hope maybe a portion of the story resonated with you or inspired you, no matter where you are, whether you're well on your way with your high fat fuel, or your fat fuel journey, or you're just starting, or you're still dieting,
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I hope any portion of my story gave you the courage and motivation to know that you are possible to make change. You are worthy, you are enough and you are beautiful.
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So that is everything for today's episode. Thanks a bunch for spending some time with me and have a great rest of your day.
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Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you enjoyed what you heard, make sure to subscribe to the podcast. And if you feel you got some extra value from this episode, it would mean the world to me. If you could head over to Apple podcasts or whatever service you're listening to this podcast on. Drop a five star review. Let me know your thoughts in the show. Doing this really helps more people like yourself, find the podcast and if you're not already following me on social media right now is the time you can find me on Instagram at Marja Chow for all your nutrition tips, tricks and inspiration or visit my website at Fat fueled female.com where you can download my free seven day keto meal plan with recipes. Thanks so much for tuning in and I will catch you next week.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
